lustthebeast's Blog

gah, mother fucker. i can't even write out the thoughts in my head. they are selfish, and not the good kind of selfish. they are petty and childish, dangerous and troublesome; but they exist and i hate it.

gah, mother fucker. i can't even write out the thoughts in my head. they are selfish, and not the good kind of selfish. they are petty and childish, dangerous and troublesome; but they exist and i hate it.

gah, mother fucker. i can't even write out the thoughts in my head. they are selfish, and not the good kind of selfish. they are petty and childish, dangerous and troublesome; but they exist and i hate it.

gah, mother fucker. i can't even write out the thoughts in my head. they are selfish, and not the good kind of selfish. they are petty and childish, dangerous and troublesome; but they exist and i hate it.

gah, mother fucker. i can't even write out the thoughts in my head. they are selfish, and not the good kind of selfish. they are petty and childish, dangerous and troublesome; but they exist and i hate it.

gah, mother fucker. i can't even write out the thoughts in my head. they are selfish, and not the good kind of selfish. they are petty and childish, dangerous and troublesome; but they exist and i hate it.

I love finding something I used to think "wtf" about... then take it - twist it - and surpass it.  I am surprised at how easily I can get lost in the space; it's both exciting and scary.

This is not for you.



Breakin' the law, breakin' the law.

I've broken nearly all my rules with hopes of unending ecstasy only to be met with what seems like resentment and spite at every turn recently.  I dont know how we got here, and I don't know how we're going to get out.  Now, for the first time, I'm reminded of history. A history ripe with decay and wrath; and I hate it.  I hate these eggshells, I hate feeling superficial, I hate this.

I feel like Mr. Smith... "We're going to have redo every conversation we've ever had."

I hope Tyler is right... "It's only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything."

I could sit here and analogize Luke's training in the force to fully explain what I'm going through here; and honestly - I just might.

I learned a few things about "me" this past weekend.  Learned a few new aptitudes.  I didn't say "abilities" because I think everyone is "able" to do them, however some just aren't "apt" to do so.  Until very recently, I thought I was one of those apt-less people.  However, what I've discovered is that I completely am; but have only convinced myself through years of denial otherwise.

At first, I was nervous, anxious, nearly panic-stricken; but I followed through with the plan.  Afterwards, it felt surreal, like it didn't really happen.  The way truly amazing vacations from childhood seem hazy years later and you have to question the validity of your memory.  I reviewed, replayed and reflected on it all the rest of the day; usually with a smile of some sort on my face.

The funny thing is... I have to (once again) give more thanks than I can gather to a very special person for putting me on this path.  This isn't the first time she's been so life-inspiring, and I'm not sure she'll ever realize just how very much she has meant to me over the years; and so much more-so now.  "Max" if you ever find this... I love you more and more every day.

It is apparent to me now that this is something I have much interest in pursuing.  Something that allows me to be all the things I've hidden for so long.  I just hope I can find my way all the way through this maze.

Btw, I know this sounds like a "coming out" story, and in a sense I suppose it is; but not in a hetero/homo-sexual kinda way.

I completed a task long since assigned.

Now, counting the moments of time;

I sit and reflect on all that was viewed.

Waiting, anxiously, for acts deemed lewd.